Tw// hospital, sickeness, self harm, pain and betrayal
I was laying on my hospital bed with my heartbeat faster than ever . I sensed my haemoglobin going down and felt weak with shivers.
Everything is hectic , pressure is immense . The passion is low and grieve is all nonsense.
All this affected our lives in different ways .
People want their lives to be exciting , happy and joyful but there's a boundary that limits everything in the this world. Even happiness.
I Wanted my life to be happening, full of drama and alot of adventures. Little did I know that the only thing I’ll yearn for is to have a normal life- filled with joy and no pain.
Now that I think of it , the more you are in pain, the more you want to let it out and cry to the world . Yet there is no one listening.
All of us are in pain, Different reasons, different ranges.
You have been toxic to someone and have experienced the same in return.
The worst thing about damage is that it doesn't come from someone unknown or someone you aren't aware of , it comes from people around you and that is why it hurts more.
The worst Betrayal in the world goes beyond physical damage. Even beyond the emotional pain one can feel , it is a wound from a friend, a foe indeed.
But an outlook to notice is that the betrayal is always the only truth that sticks around .
You'll cry over it , you'll drink over it , you'll do whatever you can to get over it . But it stays, it’s the only truth that sticks.
Friends are very important in life . I have bestfriends so do you . They share their feelings with me but sorry for me, I am not able to . I am fear people, i am scared of trusting. Whether you're a good friend or not , i won't share my feelings until it really goes over my head . I feel low manier times . I feel like killing myself and ending it here and now . I feel like none of the people out there care for me . I am a kind of person that wants people to show they care , to show they'll stay . But surprise surprise , all of them leave me when I am at my worst . It's been happening for the worse.
People get me agitated , when I talk about it , they tell me to move ahead and do it when I get my head cooled down . You doing that , Don't do that . Dont tell someone to not speak and keep it to themselves . I know you don’t really care but I beg you to let them speak . Let them blabber . They'll feel at peace.
I am asked why I am so quite , why I don't speak , i smile and look away, tears welling up, I look away.
How do I tell them, how do I say, for when I wanted to speak ,there was no one listening .
The one I thought will listen , the one I loved till the end was the one who cut me off and said that she doesn't deserve it.
They took my everything away , they took people away .
I don't want to be sad anymore ,but people say it's a life lesson. It's paying for your sins , something we cannot deny something we cannot fight for.
But please remind me what was my sin ?
To love? Or to be in love ?
And as I lay here with saline in one hand and phone in other i think that this is the one bite of their fantasy that I thought was enough , but wait I forgot that the teeth were still theirs . They seem eternally hungry with no stomach for reality and I kept on feeding them and forgort that I can also become the prey , cause somehow I never realised that the air that helped me in breathing, could bite and this way.
Apoorva
April 2017
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