Aara tales 2.0 (2021)

 Tw: body shaming, tease, stalking

I got a text from one of the guys at my school. It was a compliment- ‘so beautiful’. I saw the text and laughed. 

It’s the same person who body shamed me, humiliated me everyday from standard 7th to 9th, everyday. 

There was this group of guys that made fun of every girl in the class and the respect system also worked according to your face and figure. 

I never thought I’ll be talking about this, it was difficult to even open that message. I dealt with PTSD all those years , I was unwell, unhappy and dragging myself. These so called classmates could see I was not good, I was suffering but they still chose to make fun of my misery. 

It was difficult for people to accept that I accepted myself the way I am and was so confident. That it looked like I was being pretentious and selfish because I stood up for myself. 

But today these are the people that compliment me. 

Once I met a guy classmate outside school at a near by shop, I saw him and smiled like a normal person would do. He thought it’s an invitation. Next day the whole guy gang stalked me and rumours were spread that we were together. I was disgusted. I was dating someone, he was disgusted. 

I got worked up one day, I lashed out and took a stand. They saw she’s ignoring and can cause them misery so-

They stopped. 

I started dating a senior at the same time. Ps. I am Genuinely thankful to him for support at that time. 

Anyway 

Even After I took a stand for myself, so bold and strong that it made them stop and not annoy anyone else anymore, STILL every freaking one said it wasn’t me , it was my boyfriend of 2 days that made this misery go away. It wasn’t my voice but his that made it all vanish. 

I was angry, so annoyed , but I also learnt , 

I learnt that this world will choose to not acknowledge or accept a woman’s voice because they don’t want them to be seen as strong dominating figures. They don’t want that and will do anything to hide it. 

Don’t stop. 

You don’t have to stop. You have to speak, you have to shout. Demand for your rights, they will try to put you down but you gotta climb again. 

You have the power, trust yourself. 

Growing up as a woman , you’re subjected to discrimination everywhere you go. To a point that you may not even realise that it’s discrimination because it’s so normalised. Till now I have been taught to cover up to be civilised even if I can still get raped wearing a burkha, to listen to elders to be claimed as sophisticated even when the elders can be massively disrespectful and body shame me, slut shame me. 

To unlearn all the damage and subsequent trauma is not easy and every woman and every person for that matter doing it, you got this. It takes one step, one NO and one Yes to shatter down millions of years of partriarchy. 

Just remember that  You’re not alone 

You have all of it in you 

More power to you ! 

I never got an apology, I don’t seek one too

But if you have done something In your past that you’re ashamed of, apologise to the victim. If you have ever been racist, sexist or have shamed someone, go apologise, it helps.

You are you (2021)

"You are no less valuable at a size 14 than a size 4.You are no less valuable as a 32 A than a 32 C."

This is a quote that changed my life massively. I came across it when I was 16.I was a sick child growing up, I have always had alot of medicinal side effects, it ranged from blackness on my knees and arms to allergies to body weight to throwing up every morning before school,yes bulimia

While growing up, I always looked super confident yet I'm very insecure about my body, my weight, my height, my face -everything. 

During my sixteens, I was once asked for a photoshoot, one of my acquaintances said, 'curvy girls don't got what it takes to go for a photoshoot, it's meant for Lean girls'

I was highly taken aback. I denied to do that photo shoot because I didn't think I deserved to do it. 

I went home cried myself to sleep. If you know me, I have a very less appetite. I started throwing up when I was 17. I used to throw up every morning because of iron deficiency and less vitamin B12 in my body and later as a resort to lessen my pain. 

But One day I came across the quote mentioned above, that day it all changed for me.  I understood That you don’t need to be lean be to healthy. 

I'm still curvy with cellulite, stretch marks and what not. But I am active. I am improving my health by eating healthy and living a better lifestyle.

It's been years, but I still look back at myself  and wonder, what if I did not have that breakthrough, there are millions of people who still haven't had theirs and it's alright, trust me you'll have one. Just Trust yourself on this. 

Over decades the society has tried so hard to establish some stupid standard of beauty but I’ll be clear - there's no standard for Beauty- there can’t be. Every person is beautiful and unique in their own way. 

To me, beauty is about being comfortable in your own skin. It's about loving, accepting who you are. 

I'm insecure today too, I get anxiety while posting photos. But I have accepted who I am. This has definetly not been easy, but every struggle makes you strong. 

Also

Every person is sexy in their own way. 

Every piece of you is a burst of beautiful❤️

Aara tales 1.0

After 5 years it is 

Well, back in 2016 ,I had posted a picture of me wearing a mini skirt and a blouse kinda top.  It was a cool picture and I really liked it. I am used to wearing shorts and skirts since I was young because my parents liked it. I remember mom buying such beautiful dresses for me but that’s not the point here lol. 

Once I was with my friends and they were bitching about another friend & I didn’t really appreciate it. I have always disliked such negative company but when you’re 16 what do you know. One of my own that time best friend said at that point ~ why are you defending them, they think you’re a slut~

I was taken aback,baffled. I asked them why did they say that. They were taken aback. the first thing I asked, why were they discussing about my pictures and second of all at what consent? 

For their mercy the clothes I wore were too short and revealing for a girl in an environment like that. I was shocked with the cultural difference at that point but now that I think about it I was shocked by the audacity those people held to tell me what I was posting is too revealing or not. 

I remember deleting the post and all other posts and just wearing full clothes after that. I wear hoodies a lot, baggy clothes, I love them but they also hide my insecurities and the judgment of the world. 

It takes a person way too much of time and courage to accept their body, their insecurities and who they are. It took me a good amount of time and now I wear what I want to wear and not what others call decent clothing. It might look like a small step, but it takes me immense amount of courage to even post the photos that I do or even click them.

But ykw, all our lives we live on terms and conditions, but now I have made my own.  For the first time today I am posting something like this, for the first time I tried vodka on rocks,first time I confessed, also got my heart broken by someone, first time I didn’t do stuff I was told to, loads of first times- more to come!

And ykw

Call me a slut for all I care, it is not an insult to me because at the end of day it’s a word that got entangled in leashes of your society

My life judge (2017)

Hundreds of time in my 17 year old life I have been labeled . I have been labeled for being happy , for being sad , for being a winner , for being a loser as well. The judgements people like you and me pass on others , what are they for ? For the good of the other or for the satisfaction for your thirsty soul asking for more wrongs for the people , cause hey hey you can't see people happy right ? 
Life is 100% easy for them , why would they study , they have rich parents , they just know how to smoke and drink and just ruin their life .
Who are you to tell them ? If you were a friend or someone who actually had some kind of humanity left you wouldn't have insulted them in front of other hundreds of people just to make a conversation or well well gossip .
People of this world just know how to gossip and throw harsh words at someone . If they failed , who are you to judge ? You gave the exam ? You went through their circumstances . If she's happy , who are you to tell that she's happy cause she's fucking around with people ? If they are roaming , who are you to say they are jobless ? If they are partying on a Saturday night , who are you to say they are characterless ?
Who are you ? Where are you?
No one to judge me or anyone
No where to do so
You or me are no one to judge someone
Judge yourself inside thoroughly first and then try to get into others matter .
You are not a work of art that you'll be perfect
You are no great personality that can judge me on my talents , on my likes and dislikes ,  on what I want or what I score . You are you , I am I
They say you should help others but help yourself first , you all must have heard it on a plane ? Right ?
So please be judgemental , but darling help yourself first
If that happens then I don't think so you'll need to be what you are right now :)

Maybe (2017)

Maybe it was I , maybe it was I who couldn't keep you happy. It was I who broke your heart into pieces , it was i who left you when all you needed was love and care . Maybe it was me who went away and didn't let you in when you tried , maybe it was me who alleged for everything you never did . I guess I was never able to understand what and why were you doing what you were doing , i was only seeing things through my perspectives . Maybe I was just being too stubborn all this time and blaming you for things we did . Maybe you and I were trying too hard for something that is not meant to be . We were crying our parts for something that we couldn't keep . We let out our heart's and let others enter , we hurt each other to the extent where people were able to hunt in and just kill the vibe .

 I always captioned our pictures , my one and only , my everything and beyond , captions that worked but we didn't . The only songs in my mind a couple of months ago were you and I today it is so far away.

Things changed after you went away and ahead and I was still left there , i am still behind . I am happy for where I am today , i am happy for where you are today . 

I wish I  did everything you ever wanted , i wish I could be the soulmate and person that you craved for . I am hopeless to make this undone but we will sort our ways out of this puzzle and puddle , someday anyway . I'll be a better person , a better companion . I wish I wish I wish . I wish i had a chance to take . I wish I could hurt you less than I have till date. I wish I could turn time back to this day last year .
It's all a maybe , something I could do and something I couldn't .
I will do and I wouldn't , i will miss you but I wouldn't knock the door that will never open the same way it did . I will never make you unhappy , the way I have for now I know that what people remember is just the bad things over a hundred good ones .

I know you’re hurting 

But I am too 

You betrayed me, for what I see you’re not even sorry. 

Move your way, I hope your path is illuminated. 

I hope you’re happy, just don’t be happier. 

Apoorva 

May 2017 

ONE bite (2017)

Tw// hospital, sickeness, self harm, pain and betrayal 

I was laying on my hospital bed with my heartbeat faster than ever . I sensed my haemoglobin going down and felt weak with shivers. 
Everything is hectic , pressure is immense . The passion is low and grieve is all nonsense. 

All this affected our lives in different ways . 

People want their lives to be exciting , happy and joyful but there's a boundary that limits everything in the this world. Even happiness. 
I Wanted my life to be happening, full of drama and alot of adventures. Little did I know that the only thing I’ll yearn for is to have a normal life- filled with joy and no pain. 

Now that I think of it , the more you are in pain, the more you want to let it out and cry to the world . Yet there is no one listening. 

All of us are in pain, Different reasons, different ranges.
You have been toxic to someone and have experienced the same in return. 

The worst thing about damage is that it doesn't come from someone unknown or someone you aren't aware of , it comes from people around you and that is why it hurts more. 
The worst Betrayal in the world goes beyond physical damage. Even beyond the emotional pain one can feel , it is a wound from a friend, a foe indeed. 

But an outlook to notice is that the betrayal is always the only truth that sticks around . 

You'll cry over it , you'll drink over it , you'll do whatever you can to get over it . But it stays, it’s the only truth that sticks. 

Friends are very important in life . I have bestfriends so do you . They share their feelings with me but sorry for me, I am not able to . I am fear people, i am scared of trusting. Whether you're a good friend or not , i won't share my feelings until it really goes over my head . I feel low manier times . I feel like killing myself and ending it here and now . I feel like none of the people out there care for me . I am a kind of person that wants people to show they care , to show they'll stay . But surprise surprise , all of them leave me when I am at my worst . It's been happening for the worse. 

People get me agitated , when I talk about it , they tell me to move ahead and do it when I get my head cooled down . You doing that , Don't do that . Dont tell someone to not speak and keep it to themselves . I know you don’t really care but I beg you to let them speak . Let them blabber . They'll feel at peace.
I am asked why I am so quite , why I don't speak , i smile and look away, tears welling up, I look away.
How do I tell them, how do I say, for when I wanted to speak ,there was no one listening . 

The one I thought will listen , the one I loved till the end was the one who cut me off and said that she doesn't deserve it. 

They took my everything away , they took people away . 

I don't want to be sad anymore ,but  people say it's a life lesson. It's paying for your sins , something we cannot deny something we cannot fight for. 

But please remind me what was my sin ? 

To love? Or to be in love ?

And as I lay here with saline in one hand and phone in other i think that this is the one bite of their fantasy that I thought was enough , but wait I forgot that the teeth were still theirs . They seem eternally hungry with no stomach for reality and I kept on feeding them and forgort that I can also become the prey , cause somehow I never realised that the air that helped me in breathing, could bite and this way.

Apoorva 

April 2017