It is okay to not be Okay! (2020)

TW// Depression, anxiety, society,Bipolarity

This is a different kind than what i write ussually, It is awkward but I genuinely want to talk about this from like 3 years now, i finally mustered up courage today. 

I have always advocated this subject way too much to not talk about it honestly, I felt like a hypocrite all this time and I want to let this out to anyone who might feel at ease after reading this, to the ones who have been through this or are going through it. You are not Alone,trust me. I haven't really opened up about it to people but I should and it's time I guess.

Past 5 years have been quite of a ride for me. I suffer from Anxiety and Bipolarity from a good long time now. I got to know I am a bipolar like 2 years ago I guess and I have dealt with depression which again was not the best time. 

I used to look happy all the time. Looks can be highly deceptive. 

In the past one year at multiple occassions there have been triggers that took me into the head space that I had been in, long back. 

I ignored this half the time which was the wrong thing to do. I have been in and out of this space for the past 5 years and yes, it has been a tough time and I need to acknowledge it and not let it go. It started with something that was a trauma and built up into situations that went out of control. This all happened becauae I ignored what i was feeling all that time naming it as a 'Phase' that will pass on. 

Throughout my teens I was fed that you need to be perky, cool, ambitious, confident and different to be a successful girl that will be 'likeable'. All my teen life was nothing but a fashion fiesta, A social vendatta and a list of labels. but i was told that this was something that made a standard of living. I still remember that your worth was calculated by the grades you get and the number of people who like you during high school days. 

I was young, senile and dumb. I did everything that made others happy. I thought that will make me happy eventually but It did not.

Later I felt maybe I need someone in my life to make it happier to make me feel complete, As All our lives we are told that there is your better half out there who is waiting for you. The better half theory is that two halves make a whole but somewhere it has been taken quite literally. We sometimes think we need someone to make our halves a whole and for that we need to be a half. A Half.

That's where it went wrong.

You need to be a whole to make it work. 

It reduces the toxicity.

Being a half in a relationship and being a better half in a relationship are different concepts. 

I was so caught up in this that I genuinely forgort who I was, what I stood for and where I came from. It made me mad, anxious and depressed. 

Since our childhood we are taught to not feel and not Embrace pain, we think that the only resort to pain is violence, that being in pain is sign of being weak, a coward. We are conditioned to think that our sadness, our pain, our grief is temporary and it will not haunt us in the later times if we do not deal with it right now, but I am afraid to let you know that everything you run away from does re enter your path some day or the other. 

I know It is not easy to fight it, honestly you dont have to fight it, you just have to feel it. 

You dont have to get over it, you don't have to let it go, you dont have to do what everyone else tells you. 

Just feel it. 

Reach out to people who will care and will listen, Reach out for help, Make yourself a priority. Try treating yourself the way you treat your loved ones for one day and you will see how magical it all is. Try prioritising your needs, your small dreams and yourself over anything out there. 

Try finding small reasons for happiness and know that Having lazy or sad days is all right. 

And in the end know that when you are having a bad day, 

It Is okay to not be okay ! 

November 20, 2020