Aara tales 2.0 (2021)

 Tw: body shaming, tease, stalking

I got a text from one of the guys at my school. It was a compliment- ‘so beautiful’. I saw the text and laughed. 

It’s the same person who body shamed me, humiliated me everyday from standard 7th to 9th, everyday. 

There was this group of guys that made fun of every girl in the class and the respect system also worked according to your face and figure. 

I never thought I’ll be talking about this, it was difficult to even open that message. I dealt with PTSD all those years , I was unwell, unhappy and dragging myself. These so called classmates could see I was not good, I was suffering but they still chose to make fun of my misery. 

It was difficult for people to accept that I accepted myself the way I am and was so confident. That it looked like I was being pretentious and selfish because I stood up for myself. 

But today these are the people that compliment me. 

Once I met a guy classmate outside school at a near by shop, I saw him and smiled like a normal person would do. He thought it’s an invitation. Next day the whole guy gang stalked me and rumours were spread that we were together. I was disgusted. I was dating someone, he was disgusted. 

I got worked up one day, I lashed out and took a stand. They saw she’s ignoring and can cause them misery so-

They stopped. 

I started dating a senior at the same time. Ps. I am Genuinely thankful to him for support at that time. 

Anyway 

Even After I took a stand for myself, so bold and strong that it made them stop and not annoy anyone else anymore, STILL every freaking one said it wasn’t me , it was my boyfriend of 2 days that made this misery go away. It wasn’t my voice but his that made it all vanish. 

I was angry, so annoyed , but I also learnt , 

I learnt that this world will choose to not acknowledge or accept a woman’s voice because they don’t want them to be seen as strong dominating figures. They don’t want that and will do anything to hide it. 

Don’t stop. 

You don’t have to stop. You have to speak, you have to shout. Demand for your rights, they will try to put you down but you gotta climb again. 

You have the power, trust yourself. 

Growing up as a woman , you’re subjected to discrimination everywhere you go. To a point that you may not even realise that it’s discrimination because it’s so normalised. Till now I have been taught to cover up to be civilised even if I can still get raped wearing a burkha, to listen to elders to be claimed as sophisticated even when the elders can be massively disrespectful and body shame me, slut shame me. 

To unlearn all the damage and subsequent trauma is not easy and every woman and every person for that matter doing it, you got this. It takes one step, one NO and one Yes to shatter down millions of years of partriarchy. 

Just remember that  You’re not alone 

You have all of it in you 

More power to you ! 

I never got an apology, I don’t seek one too

But if you have done something In your past that you’re ashamed of, apologise to the victim. If you have ever been racist, sexist or have shamed someone, go apologise, it helps.

You are you (2021)

"You are no less valuable at a size 14 than a size 4.You are no less valuable as a 32 A than a 32 C."

This is a quote that changed my life massively. I came across it when I was 16.I was a sick child growing up, I have always had alot of medicinal side effects, it ranged from blackness on my knees and arms to allergies to body weight to throwing up every morning before school,yes bulimia

While growing up, I always looked super confident yet I'm very insecure about my body, my weight, my height, my face -everything. 

During my sixteens, I was once asked for a photoshoot, one of my acquaintances said, 'curvy girls don't got what it takes to go for a photoshoot, it's meant for Lean girls'

I was highly taken aback. I denied to do that photo shoot because I didn't think I deserved to do it. 

I went home cried myself to sleep. If you know me, I have a very less appetite. I started throwing up when I was 17. I used to throw up every morning because of iron deficiency and less vitamin B12 in my body and later as a resort to lessen my pain. 

But One day I came across the quote mentioned above, that day it all changed for me.  I understood That you don’t need to be lean be to healthy. 

I'm still curvy with cellulite, stretch marks and what not. But I am active. I am improving my health by eating healthy and living a better lifestyle.

It's been years, but I still look back at myself  and wonder, what if I did not have that breakthrough, there are millions of people who still haven't had theirs and it's alright, trust me you'll have one. Just Trust yourself on this. 

Over decades the society has tried so hard to establish some stupid standard of beauty but I’ll be clear - there's no standard for Beauty- there can’t be. Every person is beautiful and unique in their own way. 

To me, beauty is about being comfortable in your own skin. It's about loving, accepting who you are. 

I'm insecure today too, I get anxiety while posting photos. But I have accepted who I am. This has definetly not been easy, but every struggle makes you strong. 

Also

Every person is sexy in their own way. 

Every piece of you is a burst of beautiful❤️

Aara tales 1.0

After 5 years it is 

Well, back in 2016 ,I had posted a picture of me wearing a mini skirt and a blouse kinda top.  It was a cool picture and I really liked it. I am used to wearing shorts and skirts since I was young because my parents liked it. I remember mom buying such beautiful dresses for me but that’s not the point here lol. 

Once I was with my friends and they were bitching about another friend & I didn’t really appreciate it. I have always disliked such negative company but when you’re 16 what do you know. One of my own that time best friend said at that point ~ why are you defending them, they think you’re a slut~

I was taken aback,baffled. I asked them why did they say that. They were taken aback. the first thing I asked, why were they discussing about my pictures and second of all at what consent? 

For their mercy the clothes I wore were too short and revealing for a girl in an environment like that. I was shocked with the cultural difference at that point but now that I think about it I was shocked by the audacity those people held to tell me what I was posting is too revealing or not. 

I remember deleting the post and all other posts and just wearing full clothes after that. I wear hoodies a lot, baggy clothes, I love them but they also hide my insecurities and the judgment of the world. 

It takes a person way too much of time and courage to accept their body, their insecurities and who they are. It took me a good amount of time and now I wear what I want to wear and not what others call decent clothing. It might look like a small step, but it takes me immense amount of courage to even post the photos that I do or even click them.

But ykw, all our lives we live on terms and conditions, but now I have made my own.  For the first time today I am posting something like this, for the first time I tried vodka on rocks,first time I confessed, also got my heart broken by someone, first time I didn’t do stuff I was told to, loads of first times- more to come!

And ykw

Call me a slut for all I care, it is not an insult to me because at the end of day it’s a word that got entangled in leashes of your society

My life judge (2017)

Hundreds of time in my 17 year old life I have been labeled . I have been labeled for being happy , for being sad , for being a winner , for being a loser as well. The judgements people like you and me pass on others , what are they for ? For the good of the other or for the satisfaction for your thirsty soul asking for more wrongs for the people , cause hey hey you can't see people happy right ? 
Life is 100% easy for them , why would they study , they have rich parents , they just know how to smoke and drink and just ruin their life .
Who are you to tell them ? If you were a friend or someone who actually had some kind of humanity left you wouldn't have insulted them in front of other hundreds of people just to make a conversation or well well gossip .
People of this world just know how to gossip and throw harsh words at someone . If they failed , who are you to judge ? You gave the exam ? You went through their circumstances . If she's happy , who are you to tell that she's happy cause she's fucking around with people ? If they are roaming , who are you to say they are jobless ? If they are partying on a Saturday night , who are you to say they are characterless ?
Who are you ? Where are you?
No one to judge me or anyone
No where to do so
You or me are no one to judge someone
Judge yourself inside thoroughly first and then try to get into others matter .
You are not a work of art that you'll be perfect
You are no great personality that can judge me on my talents , on my likes and dislikes ,  on what I want or what I score . You are you , I am I
They say you should help others but help yourself first , you all must have heard it on a plane ? Right ?
So please be judgemental , but darling help yourself first
If that happens then I don't think so you'll need to be what you are right now :)

Maybe (2017)

Maybe it was I , maybe it was I who couldn't keep you happy. It was I who broke your heart into pieces , it was i who left you when all you needed was love and care . Maybe it was me who went away and didn't let you in when you tried , maybe it was me who alleged for everything you never did . I guess I was never able to understand what and why were you doing what you were doing , i was only seeing things through my perspectives . Maybe I was just being too stubborn all this time and blaming you for things we did . Maybe you and I were trying too hard for something that is not meant to be . We were crying our parts for something that we couldn't keep . We let out our heart's and let others enter , we hurt each other to the extent where people were able to hunt in and just kill the vibe .

 I always captioned our pictures , my one and only , my everything and beyond , captions that worked but we didn't . The only songs in my mind a couple of months ago were you and I today it is so far away.

Things changed after you went away and ahead and I was still left there , i am still behind . I am happy for where I am today , i am happy for where you are today . 

I wish I  did everything you ever wanted , i wish I could be the soulmate and person that you craved for . I am hopeless to make this undone but we will sort our ways out of this puzzle and puddle , someday anyway . I'll be a better person , a better companion . I wish I wish I wish . I wish i had a chance to take . I wish I could hurt you less than I have till date. I wish I could turn time back to this day last year .
It's all a maybe , something I could do and something I couldn't .
I will do and I wouldn't , i will miss you but I wouldn't knock the door that will never open the same way it did . I will never make you unhappy , the way I have for now I know that what people remember is just the bad things over a hundred good ones .

I know you’re hurting 

But I am too 

You betrayed me, for what I see you’re not even sorry. 

Move your way, I hope your path is illuminated. 

I hope you’re happy, just don’t be happier. 

Apoorva 

May 2017 

ONE bite (2017)

Tw// hospital, sickeness, self harm, pain and betrayal 

I was laying on my hospital bed with my heartbeat faster than ever . I sensed my haemoglobin going down and felt weak with shivers. 
Everything is hectic , pressure is immense . The passion is low and grieve is all nonsense. 

All this affected our lives in different ways . 

People want their lives to be exciting , happy and joyful but there's a boundary that limits everything in the this world. Even happiness. 
I Wanted my life to be happening, full of drama and alot of adventures. Little did I know that the only thing I’ll yearn for is to have a normal life- filled with joy and no pain. 

Now that I think of it , the more you are in pain, the more you want to let it out and cry to the world . Yet there is no one listening. 

All of us are in pain, Different reasons, different ranges.
You have been toxic to someone and have experienced the same in return. 

The worst thing about damage is that it doesn't come from someone unknown or someone you aren't aware of , it comes from people around you and that is why it hurts more. 
The worst Betrayal in the world goes beyond physical damage. Even beyond the emotional pain one can feel , it is a wound from a friend, a foe indeed. 

But an outlook to notice is that the betrayal is always the only truth that sticks around . 

You'll cry over it , you'll drink over it , you'll do whatever you can to get over it . But it stays, it’s the only truth that sticks. 

Friends are very important in life . I have bestfriends so do you . They share their feelings with me but sorry for me, I am not able to . I am fear people, i am scared of trusting. Whether you're a good friend or not , i won't share my feelings until it really goes over my head . I feel low manier times . I feel like killing myself and ending it here and now . I feel like none of the people out there care for me . I am a kind of person that wants people to show they care , to show they'll stay . But surprise surprise , all of them leave me when I am at my worst . It's been happening for the worse. 

People get me agitated , when I talk about it , they tell me to move ahead and do it when I get my head cooled down . You doing that , Don't do that . Dont tell someone to not speak and keep it to themselves . I know you don’t really care but I beg you to let them speak . Let them blabber . They'll feel at peace.
I am asked why I am so quite , why I don't speak , i smile and look away, tears welling up, I look away.
How do I tell them, how do I say, for when I wanted to speak ,there was no one listening . 

The one I thought will listen , the one I loved till the end was the one who cut me off and said that she doesn't deserve it. 

They took my everything away , they took people away . 

I don't want to be sad anymore ,but  people say it's a life lesson. It's paying for your sins , something we cannot deny something we cannot fight for. 

But please remind me what was my sin ? 

To love? Or to be in love ?

And as I lay here with saline in one hand and phone in other i think that this is the one bite of their fantasy that I thought was enough , but wait I forgot that the teeth were still theirs . They seem eternally hungry with no stomach for reality and I kept on feeding them and forgort that I can also become the prey , cause somehow I never realised that the air that helped me in breathing, could bite and this way.

Apoorva 

April 2017  

It is okay to not be Okay! (2020)

TW// Depression, anxiety, society,Bipolarity

This is a different kind than what i write ussually, It is awkward but I genuinely want to talk about this from like 3 years now, i finally mustered up courage today. 

I have always advocated this subject way too much to not talk about it honestly, I felt like a hypocrite all this time and I want to let this out to anyone who might feel at ease after reading this, to the ones who have been through this or are going through it. You are not Alone,trust me. I haven't really opened up about it to people but I should and it's time I guess.

Past 5 years have been quite of a ride for me. I suffer from Anxiety and Bipolarity from a good long time now. I got to know I am a bipolar like 2 years ago I guess and I have dealt with depression which again was not the best time. 

I used to look happy all the time. Looks can be highly deceptive. 

In the past one year at multiple occassions there have been triggers that took me into the head space that I had been in, long back. 

I ignored this half the time which was the wrong thing to do. I have been in and out of this space for the past 5 years and yes, it has been a tough time and I need to acknowledge it and not let it go. It started with something that was a trauma and built up into situations that went out of control. This all happened becauae I ignored what i was feeling all that time naming it as a 'Phase' that will pass on. 

Throughout my teens I was fed that you need to be perky, cool, ambitious, confident and different to be a successful girl that will be 'likeable'. All my teen life was nothing but a fashion fiesta, A social vendatta and a list of labels. but i was told that this was something that made a standard of living. I still remember that your worth was calculated by the grades you get and the number of people who like you during high school days. 

I was young, senile and dumb. I did everything that made others happy. I thought that will make me happy eventually but It did not.

Later I felt maybe I need someone in my life to make it happier to make me feel complete, As All our lives we are told that there is your better half out there who is waiting for you. The better half theory is that two halves make a whole but somewhere it has been taken quite literally. We sometimes think we need someone to make our halves a whole and for that we need to be a half. A Half.

That's where it went wrong.

You need to be a whole to make it work. 

It reduces the toxicity.

Being a half in a relationship and being a better half in a relationship are different concepts. 

I was so caught up in this that I genuinely forgort who I was, what I stood for and where I came from. It made me mad, anxious and depressed. 

Since our childhood we are taught to not feel and not Embrace pain, we think that the only resort to pain is violence, that being in pain is sign of being weak, a coward. We are conditioned to think that our sadness, our pain, our grief is temporary and it will not haunt us in the later times if we do not deal with it right now, but I am afraid to let you know that everything you run away from does re enter your path some day or the other. 

I know It is not easy to fight it, honestly you dont have to fight it, you just have to feel it. 

You dont have to get over it, you don't have to let it go, you dont have to do what everyone else tells you. 

Just feel it. 

Reach out to people who will care and will listen, Reach out for help, Make yourself a priority. Try treating yourself the way you treat your loved ones for one day and you will see how magical it all is. Try prioritising your needs, your small dreams and yourself over anything out there. 

Try finding small reasons for happiness and know that Having lazy or sad days is all right. 

And in the end know that when you are having a bad day, 

It Is okay to not be okay ! 

November 20, 2020

There for the world (2020)

The world is in an uproar rightnow.

Some of us  are fighting a war, some are fighting the virus , some are fighting racism and some are fighting for life and equality. All of us are fighting our own battels be it anything. 

After passing over tons of articles, blogs, news, videos, comments and conversations, I decided to write this. 

We are living in a world that is full of beauty -

The nature, the animals, the flaura and fauna.

It is a soul reason of our existence and for our survival and beyond limit greed, it has been sacrificing all this time. Yes,the only key that is the reason for this awful destruction and also the fall down of it's own existence is the human society itself. 

We are born and raised up with a mindset that we own what is around us and whatever we admire, even if it does not belong to us completely. 

We believe our privileges make us superior than others and not equal to others. 

We are conditioned to think that the societal norms must be  different for each set of individuals. 

All this time we have been aquainted with half of the wrongs that we consider to be the Right. 

The caste, gender, skin colour, social status, race and anything else do not mark that we are superior or inferior to someone, It does not mean that one person is shackled to another one on the basis of who they are and what they do or where they come from. 

A human is supposed to be free, Supposed to be equal. Being free and equal is a basic human right, aint it ? 

If not then we aren't certainly aware of Human rights in the first place. 

Racism, caste discrimination and gender discrimination have been three issues that have challenged equality in every Era of existence. We thought that all of this were only in the past or its a long gon history, but little did we know it has been prevailing in front of our eyes all these years and we have been ignoring it all this time being comfortable in our own private and social spaces making those who are different from a certain class uncomfortable all their lives.

There is this very famous country that has an IT sector which is immensely famous. 

In this era of excellence and technology in that sector there are certain AI face recognition system that do not recognize the faces of people with a darker complexion.Even the technology designed in this era is racist ? Yes, there are other systems that recognize every complexion but why not all of them ? 

In the 21st century I need be of a certain skin complextion to be recognised by an AI machine? 

This is just a small piece of our daily life anecdote that is so generalized that it looks like it is fine and nothing new to us but it is someone's deprivation of rights that we don't care about. 

A transgender person is told to step off a position just because of their identity is sexist and discriminatory. A person being deprived of their rights on the basis of their gender is a wrong. Gender roles are a stereotype. We talk about coming out to others so easily but what we don't talk about is the generalization, support and acceptance of people who have the immense courage to accept themselves and be true to who they are, these people are rather frowned upon.

Even in today's day a person is beaten and shot to death by some upperclass men because he wanted to pray in front of the almighty or wanted to study some subject/profession that is for a certain upper caste. why ? because he was a person from some inferior caste that isn't allowed to enter the temple or do the same things as anyone else,the norms that humans have formed. 

Do the lives of minorities not matter ? 

What happened to the #AllLivesmatter hashtags we all post so savagely when we don't keep intact with it's whole use. 

These hashtags are relevant to those people who have the privilege to access them, you , me but not everyone. 

every day a person is oppressed and made deprived of their rights, opportunities and also their life. 

Talking and supporting , donating for some social issues that are around us wont make us less of our status and the human we are. 

Admitting to your own privilege does not make you deprived of it , definetly does not make you lose your own, rather, it makes you unite with those who are demeaned of the same privilege you enjoy everyday back in your life. 

EVERY Human matters, yes. 

But know when you should use this sentence, someone else is not being treated the same way you have been treated all this time. They should get attention they deserve.

every person deserves basic human rights. 

we need to get through this before it's too late. 

Stand up for those who have been fighting for their rights, don't be blindsighted. 

Be a world citizen. 

June 2, 2020 

Make it wroth living

"Don't leave a person you love, try for them they'll come back to you if it was meant to be and if they leave, it might be for the best " 

People will say - 'you didn't love the person the right way,that's why they betrayed you' 'you didn't love them right that's why they cheated on you'  'You could have tried being a better person and forgiven them or if it was getting to a quarrel you could have apologised'. 'You could have listened to them, they're your elders, they will always be right_ 

'You could have changed yourself for being an idle kind of lover,Friend,sister, daughter, the kind a person craves for. 

You could have made them smile made them realise that they are lucky to have you'

'You could have done wonders to be with them , then why didn't you ? Was it that you didn't love the person enough ?

Yes. you didn't love the person enough .
You begged them to give you another chance when it was not even your fault and gave up on your self respect just to be with them but no, you didn't love them enough .
You cried every night and tried every single thing you could to be happy with them, but I am sorry you didn't love them enough.
You changed yourself to be an idle person in the eye of the society and the person itself but no you didn't love them enough. 
You were loyal , loving , caring, giving and forgiving but No No, it was not enough.
You were hurt through the simple cruel words they type or speak but you still carried on on in the name of love but darling you didn't love them enough as usual. 
 You were thrown away and you bent your morals to protect them but uh oh that was because , you didn't love them enough. 

Because, Yes darling you didn't love them enough, your love wasn't meant to be enough, it was not love.

your love will never be enough for people who leave you when you need them. the one who gives up on you for one time you retaliate because you have been through enough and then build over it and blame you for the things they are going through, the love shouldn't be for them. 

The one who cannot stand up for you, neither respect you, Never loved you. 

Your love will never be enough for the people who make you realise that you're not the type of person people fall in love with , that you're not worthy. 

It's very easy to make someone feel insecure about themselves and if someone did that, they do not deserve what you have to offer. 

You're priceless , no value can measure your importance

Your love will never be enough for someone who doesn't want it to be whatsoever you do.

But someday, the one who deserves it, the one who will value and respect your feelings, will not throw you away, will not push you when things go wrong and look for ways to resolve things and love you the way you are and not be someone else's definition of love. The day you find them, that day, that day all your love will be more than enough ✨

There's alot of reasons to be grateful everyday

People will label you, 

It's on you how you overcome those labels

You're your own ray of hope and ray of sunshine on the darkest of day , don't let your inner peace and calmness tremble for anything.
  
In a course of life everyone improves, for good. 

Be happy and accept the flaws. 

Be grateful, be happy, be you. 

There's only one life and make it worth living :)

8th July 2017. 

 

To a girl , by a girl

The voice of a girl , by a girl
I am a girl of simple choices .
I don't take things to my heart and cry over them. I pretend well . I have been through the worse of treatments. yet I stand here and speak all this . I am trying to cope up with people who call themselves a friend and then don't turn up when you need them . I am busy , i have work, these are the ultimate reasons and then they expect me to be there for them. I have been dragged into things I never thought of,For no reason or one reason that I don't hold back and speak out if you're wrong ? If my so called friends think I am trying to create an image for myself and I am  displaying a bad one,let's say a sluttty image of myself in front of people just for the fact that I do not stand by your ideals, then I am doing all of that and on purpose. 

I feel that people who themselves can't get to a stand try to bring others down and I take it positively. Sometimes it goes haywire that people who say you're close to them, expect things from you and also your sympathy ; don't put you  forward as a priority . 

Real friends are those who defend you when you're not there , who not call you out when you're wrong and not support you in your wrongs, not those who just show to be there and in the end mix up with people and bitch about you and your insecurities.

Oh my so called friends , please cut it out .

 I have realised that I am here not for crying and cringing , I am here to live my life all by myself . I don't need anyone to fill my ambitions and dreams , I'll work and work hard to achieve them . Being a girl does not restrict me to take up my career choices and do what I love to or what I want  to or what I don't want to.

People will judge,it's there ambition to.
A person never takes things over their heart and shall forgive people for their own peace whatsoever because one shouldn't worry their pretty little minds on such petty things , people will keep on throwing  rocks at things that shine
And that's what life is for to forgive and not take it to the heart.
I am writing all of this to make people realise that all of us are humans, I am a girl a boy , I love someone and I am dating them , I have best friends and have their support , I love my parents and will always , I wear clothes that I like , I can stay natural as i want to be , I can sleep , I can dance and do whatever I want
What are we fighting, destroying and backstabbing for ? And over what?  Differences between us ? this ain't to fight for. 

We are the people of this world , we need to support each other and stay together and not try to put each other down In anyway we can. 
Live a life for yourself and people you love and those who love you , 

Not show others that you're happy 

Kiss your own fingerprints
Hug your own curves  

you're made of  honey and spicy peppers 

You're a goddess

I hope you you'll never forget that
And that will make all the difference :)

3rd august 2017